1. “Is it still abuse if they’ve never hit me?”
Yes. Abuse isn’t only physical. It can be emotional, psychological, financial or sexual. If you’re constantly belittled, controlled, threatened, isolated or made to feel worthless, that’s abuse. It damages you just as deeply. You don’t need bruises to justify leaving.

2. “I’m a man being abused. Will anyone believe me?”
Yes, there are people who will. Abuse doesn’t care about gender, and neither do we. It’s harder for men because of stigma, but your pain is real. You deserve help, safety and support, not shame.

3. “My partner only gets violent when they’re drunk. Is that an excuse?”
No. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, it doesn’t create violence out of thin air. Those choices still belong to them. Many people drink without ever harming anyone. The abuse is in them, not in the bottle.

4. “I’ve left so many times but keep going back. What’s wrong with me?”
Nothing. Trauma bonds are powerful. Fear, love, hope, finances, kids, they all pull you back. Be gentle with yourself. Each time you try to leave, you learn. You’ll get stronger. We’re still here for you.

5. “Can I get a protection order even if I still live with them?”
Yes. South African law under the Domestic Violence Act allows you to get a protection order regardless of whether you still live together. It’s about stopping the abuse, not your living arrangements.

6. “Will SAPS even take me seriously?”
They’re legally required to. You have a constitutional right to safety and dignity. Not every officer does their job properly. If they don’t, you can escalate it, lay a complaint, or go higher up. Document everything.

7. “They never hurt the kids, so should I still leave?”
Kids see and feel far more than you realise. Living in a home with abuse is proven to cause long-term harm to children, even if they’re not directly hit. Leaving is often the most loving, protective thing you can do.

8. “I’m scared to open a case because what if he kills me for it?”
That’s a very real fear. Safety planning is key. Get expert help to plan your exit quietly. Change your routines. Alert trusted people. Make copies of key documents. Have SAPS or a safe house on standby. Don’t do it alone.

9. “My girlfriend forces me to have sex. Is that rape?”
Yes. Under South African law, any sex without your free, sober, willing consent is sexual assault or rape. That stands regardless of gender or relationship status. Your body is yours alone.

10. “Can my partner take my kids if I leave?”
Not automatically. Both parents have rights, but the court always puts the best interests of the child first. Abuse is a big factor. Get legal advice and keep evidence. Leaving doesn’t mean you lose your children.

11. “Why do I miss them so much after everything they did to me?”
Because your body and brain were conditioned to survive with them. Love doesn’t switch off when there’s trauma. It’s messy, chemical and confusing. Missing them doesn’t mean you should go back.

12. “Is it still abuse if it only happens once in a while?”
Yes. Abuse isn’t measured by how often it happens, it’s by the harm it causes. A single assault or repeated threats can break you. Frequency doesn’t excuse impact.

13. “My pastor told me to pray more and be patient. Is that right?”
Spiritual comfort is beautiful, but no one should tell you to stay in harm’s way. Abuse is not your cross to bear. A safe, loving relationship never requires suffering.

14. “I’m scared to tell my family, they’ll blame me.”
Sadly, many do. But you are never to blame for someone abusing you. Their violence is on them. Find people who get it. It’s better to have one safe ally than a dozen judgmental relatives.

15. “I still love them. Does that mean I should stay?”
Love does not erase harm. You can love someone and still need to protect yourself. Staying often deepens the wounds. Leaving doesn’t mean you never loved them. It means you finally loved yourself more.

16. “What if I can’t afford to leave?”
Financial abuse is real. Look for shelters, safe houses, NGOs and community support. Many offer short-term stays, help with social grants or skills programs. Start with what you can, even if it’s small steps.

17. “They keep apologising and promising to change. Should I give them another chance?”
Change takes real action, not repeated promises. If the pattern is apology then abuse again, it’s manipulation. Watch what they do, not what they say.

18. “If I report them, won’t that ruin their life?”
Their choices ruined it, not you. You didn’t cause the abuse. You’re protecting yourself and possibly others. Your safety matters more than their reputation or comfort.

19. “Can I heal from all this? Or will I always be broken?”
You can heal. It may take time, therapy, support groups, new healthy connections. The scars may remain but they don’t have to run your life. You’re not broken, you’re a survivor.

20. “I feel like no one understands what I’ve been through. Is that normal?”
Completely. Unless someone has lived it, they often don’t get the depth of fear, shame and grief. That’s why survivor communities exist. You’re not alone, even if it feels like it.

21. “What if they threaten to kill themselves if I leave?”
That’s emotional blackmail. It’s cruel and manipulative. You are not responsible for someone else’s mental health choices. If they threaten suicide, call emergency services. You don’t have to stay in harm’s way to keep them safe.

22. “How do I prove emotional abuse? There are no bruises.”
Keep records. Save texts, emails, voice notes, photos of damaged property. Write down incidents with dates and details. Emotional abuse can be harder to prove, but consistent documentation builds a pattern.

23. “Can I get a protection order if it’s my same-sex partner?”
Yes. The law protects any intimate relationship. The Domestic Violence Act does not care about gender or orientation. Abuse is abuse.

24. “Is it still abuse if we both fight and I also shout back?”
Defending yourself in chaos does not make you equally abusive. Look at patterns. Who controls who? Who uses fear to get their way? Mutual conflict is different from one person dominating and terrorising another.

25. “What if my partner is also my financial provider? How do I leave?”
Reach out to shelters or social workers. Some organisations help with emergency stays, food parcels, skills training or SASSA applications. It might feel impossible now but staying dependent keeps you trapped.

26. “They only get aggressive around certain people. Does that mean it’s not really who they are?”
No, it means they can control it. They choose when to behave. Abusers often save their worst for private moments. If they can switch it off in public, it’s calculated, not accidental.

27. “Why do I feel guilty for leaving?”
Because you’re a kind person who hoped for the best. You invested time, love and dreams. Walking away means grieving a future you once believed in. It doesn’t mean leaving was wrong.

28. “My partner takes my phone and reads all my messages. Is that abuse?”
Yes. It’s controlling and violates your right to privacy. Healthy partners don’t need to monitor your conversations. Trust is earned, not forced.

29. “If I call the police, won’t they just arrest him and make it worse for me?”
Possibly. That’s why safety planning matters. You can also apply for a protection order which might include removing firearms, barring contact or forcing them to leave the house. Get guidance before acting.

30. “My parents want me to stay ‘for the kids.’ What do I say?”
Tell them research shows kids are harmed by witnessing abuse. They grow up anxious, insecure or believing violence is love. Leaving breaks the cycle. Staying keeps it alive.

31. “Is it still abuse if they’re only verbally cruel?”
Yes. Words can wreck your self-esteem and mental health. Long after bruises fade, insults still echo. Emotional scars are real wounds.

32. “Can I leave even if I don’t have a place to go yet?”
Yes. Many leave with nothing but their kids and the clothes on their backs. Safe houses exist for this reason. If you can, start by hiding spare keys, cash, ID copies. Don’t wait for perfect conditions.

33. “Why does my body still jump at loud noises or arguments?”
That’s trauma living in your nervous system. It’s normal after prolonged stress. Over time, with therapy or self-regulation, it can ease. Your body was on high alert for so long it forgot how to relax.

34. “What if they change for real and get help?”
People can change, but it takes long-term therapy, accountability, and time away from you. Change never happens because you loved them enough. Watch actions over months, not promises over days.

35. “Is it wrong to feel relieved if they’re finally out of my life?”
No. That’s freedom. Relief is your body and mind telling you it’s safe to breathe again. It might come with grief and confusion, but relief is valid.

36. “Can I get a protection order against my own family member?”
Yes. The Domestic Violence Act protects against abuse from anyone in your household or close relationship, not just romantic partners.

37. “I’m scared people will judge me for staying so long. What do I say?”
Say nothing if you don’t want to. Your journey is yours alone. If you do speak, tell them love and fear can tie knots around your brain. Nobody stays because it’s easy. They stay because it’s complicated.

38. “Will it ever stop hurting?”
The sharpness dulls. One day it will just be a heavy memory, not your everyday reality. Healing takes time, but you’ll find moments of peace again.

39. “How do I start trusting people again?”
Slowly. Trust is earned in small, consistent moments. It’s ok to keep your guard up while learning who’s safe. Healthy people understand that.

40. “I don’t want to be seen as a victim forever. How do I move past this?”
By remembering you’re not just what happened to you. You’re a complex person with dreams, humour, strength, flaws and resilience. This is one chapter, not your entire story.