Before you read another word.

If you are reading this, something inside you already knows. You are not overreacting. You are not imagining it. You are not the problem. This document exists because what is happening to you is real, and because survivors before you have walked this same road and found their way through it.

This safety plan was built by Rise Against Domestic Violence SA, a survivor-led organisation that supports people in abusive relationships across South Africa and beyond. We have written it as a universal guide, which means the language is not tied to one country, one law, or one helpline. Wherever you are in the world, you can adapt the principles inside this document to your local context.

The plan draws on the most current international research on intimate partner violence, including the work of Dr Jacquelyn Campbell on lethality, the National Network to End Domestic Violence, Refuge UK, Women's Aid, the World Health Organization, UN Women, the Coalition Against Stalkerware, and the Duluth Model on coercive control. Every page has been written by people who understand what this work actually requires, not what it looks like from the outside.

How to use this plan

This plan is broken into eight parts, each addressing a different stage or situation. The Table of Contents on the next page lets you jump to what you need most. You do not have to read it in order. If you are still inside the relationship, Part Two will matter most. If you are preparing to leave, go to Part Three. If you have already left, Part Five and Part Seven will hold you.

Each section ends with practical, actionable steps you can take. None of them are demands. They are options. You decide what fits your life, your level of risk, and your timing. The point of a safety plan is not to follow it perfectly. The point is to know the options exist before you need them.

Reading this document safely.

The act of reading a safety plan can itself become evidence the abuser uses against you. Before you go further, take a moment to consider how you are accessing this document.

If at any point reading this puts you in immediate danger, close the document and come back another time. Your safety in this moment matters more than finishing this guide.

What domestic violence actually is.

Domestic violence is not only physical. The bruises are the part the world recognises, but they are rarely the whole story. Most survivors live for years inside abuse the world has not yet learned to see.

The international definition of domestic violence covers any pattern of behaviour used by one person to gain or maintain power and control over another in an intimate or family relationship. The behaviours fall into several categories that often overlap.

Physical abuse

Hitting, slapping, pushing, kicking, choking, strangling, biting, burning, restraining, throwing objects, denying medical care, denying sleep, withholding food. It includes forced physical contact and the threat of any of these.

Sexual abuse

Forced or coerced sexual acts, including within marriage. Reproductive coercion, where a partner sabotages contraception, forces pregnancy, or forces termination. Treating you as a sexual object. Recording or sharing sexual images without consent. Pressuring you into sexual acts you do not want, or framing your refusal as rejection or proof you do not love them.

Emotional and psychological abuse

Insults, name-calling, humiliation in private and in public, mocking your appearance or intelligence, undermining you in front of children, gaslighting, isolating you from friends and family, telling you that you are crazy, threats to harm you, threats to harm themselves if you leave, threats against your children, pets, or family.

Financial abuse

Controlling all the money. Refusing you access to bank accounts. Sabotaging your work. Stealing your earnings. Running up debt in your name. Refusing to pay maintenance. Forcing you to account for every cent. Keeping you financially dependent so you cannot afford to leave.

Coercive control

The pattern that holds the rest in place. Monitoring your movements, your phone, your friendships. Setting rules about how you dress, who you speak to, what you eat, what time you come home. Making you ask permission for ordinary adult decisions. The constant threat that disobedience will be punished, even when no specific punishment is named.

Digital and technology-facilitated abuse

Tracking your location through your phone, your car, or hidden devices like AirTags. Reading your messages. Demanding your passwords. Installing stalkerware. Sharing intimate images without consent. Using smart home devices to monitor or intimidate you. Impersonating you online. Using your devices to harass you or your contacts.

The cycle and why leaving is the most dangerous time.

Most abusive relationships move in cycles. Tension builds. An incident happens. The abuser apologises, promises change, and is sometimes loving in a way that feels like the person you first fell for. Then tension builds again. Each cycle tends to escalate. The calm periods get shorter. The incidents get worse.

Recognising the cycle matters because it explains why you have stayed, why you have hoped, and why you have doubted yourself. The cycle is engineered, whether the abuser knows it or not, to keep you bonded to them and confused about what is real.

The four phases

• Tension building. Walking on eggshells. Trying to manage their mood. The atmosphere in the home becomes heavier and you cannot say why.
• Incident. The explosion. This may be physical, sexual, verbal, or a controlling decision that ignores your needs entirely.
• Reconciliation. Apologies, gifts, promises, sometimes tears. They may blame stress, alcohol, work, or you. They tell you it will not happen again.
• Calm. Sometimes called the honeymoon phase. The person you fell in love with returns. You start to believe it might be different this time.

Lethality red flags you must not ignore.

The Danger Assessment, developed by Dr Jacquelyn Campbell over decades of research with families of homicide victims and survivors of attempted homicide, identifies the specific factors most strongly linked to a partner being killed by an abuser. The presence of several of these factors does not guarantee lethal violence will happen. It does mean the risk is materially higher and that your plan should account for that.

Read this list slowly. Tick mentally any item that applies to you, or to anyone you are supporting. The more you tick, the more urgent your safety planning becomes.

Source. Adapted from Campbell, J.C., Webster, D.W., and Glass, N. (2009), The Danger Assessment, validated through the 11-city femicide study. The full assessment is freely available at dangerassessment.org and is the gold-standard lethality screening tool used by domestic violence services internationally.

Strangulation. The single highest predictor of homicide.

If you remember nothing else from this document, remember this section. Strangulation is the most overlooked and most dangerous form of intimate partner violence. It often leaves no visible mark. It is frequently dismissed by survivors as a fight that got out of hand. The research is unambiguous about what it actually means.

What strangulation actually is

Strangulation is the application of external pressure to the neck that restricts blood flow or air. It is not the same as choking, which involves a foreign object blocking the airway. Strangulation is a deliberate act of control over another person's ability to breathe. Researchers have likened the experience to drowning or waterboarding. Loss of consciousness can occur within seconds. Death can occur within minutes.

Why it predicts murder so strongly

An abuser who strangles is showing you, and themselves, that they are willing to put their hands on the part of your body that controls your life. Many abusers do not strangle to kill. They strangle so you know they could. Survivors of non-fatal strangulation are at substantially elevated risk of being murdered by the same partner, often years later, frequently with a weapon other than their hands.

Medical urgency after strangulation

Strangulation can cause delayed injuries that become serious or fatal hours or days later. These include blood clots, stroke, internal bleeding, and traumatic brain injury. If you have been strangled, even briefly, even without losing consciousness, even if you feel fine, seek medical attention. Tell the doctor what happened. Document everything.

Source. Glass, N., Laughon, K., Campbell, J., et al. (2008), Non-fatal strangulation is an important risk factor for homicide of women, Journal of Emergency Medicine. Alliance for HOPE International Training Institute on Strangulation Prevention.

Coercive control. The invisible scaffold.

Coercive control is the pattern that holds an abusive relationship together when no fist has been raised. It is the rules, the surveillance, the punishment for small infractions, and the slow erasure of who you used to be. Many survivors of coercive control never identify what is happening as abuse, because no one has ever taught them that this is what abuse looks like.

The framework was developed by Evan Stark, building on the Duluth Power and Control Wheel, and is now embedded in domestic abuse legislation in the United Kingdom, parts of Australia, parts of Canada, several US states, and increasingly across Europe. Recognising it changes everything about how you make sense of what you have experienced.

Common coercive control tactics

• Isolation. Cutting you off from family, friends, work, faith communities, anyone who might offer perspective or support.
• Monitoring. Tracking your location, reading your messages, checking the car odometer, demanding to know where you are at all times.
• Micro-regulation. Setting rules about clothing, food, sleep, hygiene, social media, friendships, contact with family, and any other ordinary adult choice.
• Degradation. Insults framed as humour, comparisons to ex partners, public mocking, sexual humiliation, name-calling.
• Gaslighting. Denying things you know happened. Telling you that you imagined them or remembered them wrong. Insisting your reality is faulty.
• Financial control. All money flowing through them. Forcing you to account for every cent. Keeping you economically dependent.
• Threats and intimidation. Implicit and explicit. Holding power through what could happen, not always what does happen.
• Children weaponised. Using contact with children, threats of removal, or undermining your parenting as ongoing leverage.

If you have read this and recognised your relationship, take a breath. Recognition is its own kind of injury, but it is also the first move toward something else. The rest of this document is built around the assumption that coercive control is real, takes time to undo, and is enough on its own to justify everything that follows.

Trust your instincts.

If something inside you is saying this is not safe, listen. Survivors are routinely correct in their gut assessment of danger long before they can articulate why. Your nervous system has been collecting data for as long as the relationship has existed. The information lives in your body even when your mind is still negotiating with hope.

The Campbell research found that survivors who said yes to the question "do you believe your partner is capable of killing you" were significantly more likely to be correct than those who said no. Your instinct is data. Treat it that way.

If any of these resonate, take it seriously. You do not need a reason that would convince a stranger. You need to convince yourself that your own perception of danger is enough.

Recognising escalation.

Escalation does not always announce itself. Sometimes it is a single sentence said in a tone you have not heard before. Sometimes it is a quietness in the house that feels more dangerous than the shouting did. Learning to read the early signals gives you precious seconds, sometimes hours, to make different decisions.

Patterns that signal escalation

• Increasing frequency of incidents, even minor ones.
• Threats becoming more specific, naming what they will do, when, or how.
• Reference to weapons, even casually or in supposed jokes.
• New levels of jealousy or possessiveness, including over family members or your children.
• Sudden interest in your daily routine, schedule, location of friends, or movements.
• Loss of inhibitions, including increased alcohol or drug use, sleep deprivation, or job loss.
• An external trigger they cannot control, such as your career success, your weight loss, you reconnecting with family, or you mentioning leaving.
• Strangulation, even once, even brief, even framed as accidental.
• Threats against pets, threats against your children, threats against your family of origin.
• A sudden calm after months of conflict, with no real resolution.

Safer rooms, safer moments.

If you cannot leave today, you can still reduce risk inside the home. The aim is to know your environment well enough to make better decisions in seconds.

Identify the most dangerous rooms

Bathrooms and kitchens are statistically the most dangerous rooms during a domestic violence incident. Hard surfaces, weapons (knives, heavy implements), and confined spaces with one exit increase the danger. Garages and outbuildings often share these features.

Identify the safer rooms

If conflict is rising, move toward a room that has a door that locks, a window that opens, a phone within reach, and as few hard surfaces and potential weapons as possible. Children's bedrooms are sometimes a tactical option because most abusers will modulate behaviour around children, although do not rely on this if your specific abuser does not.

Map your exits

• Identify every door and ground-floor window that opens.
• Note whether keys are needed for any of them, and where those keys live.
• Practise the route from the room you are most likely to be in to the nearest exit, in your mind, more than once.
• Identify a neighbour, a shop, or a public place within sight or short distance, and rehearse going there.

During an incident

• If physical violence is starting, do not run to the kitchen or bathroom. Move toward an exit or a room with a phone and a lock.
• Curl into a ball with your hands protecting your head, face, and neck if you cannot escape and physical violence is unavoidable. This is harm reduction, not weakness.
• If you have time, dial emergency services and leave the call connected even if you cannot speak. Many emergency operators are trained to track location and respond to silent calls.
• Save the names of trusted contacts in your phone under unobvious labels, such as "Doctor" or "Pharmacy", so the abuser does not delete them.

Code words and silent signals.

A code word is a word, phrase, emoji, or signal that you and a trusted person have agreed means "I am in danger, call for help". It can be sent by text, voice note, on a call, or in person. The point is that it bypasses your need to explain in the moment.

How to set up a code word

• Choose someone outside the home who answers their phone, can stay calm, and will act on the code without questioning you.
• Pick a word, phrase, or emoji that would not appear in your normal messages by accident. A purple heart, a specific colour, the name of a fictional pet, an unusual phrase.
• Agree exactly what they will do when they receive it. Will they call emergency services? Come in person? Wait for a follow-up message?
• Make sure they know your home address, your full legal name, the abuser's name, and any names of children in the home, so they can give clear information to emergency services.
• Test the code word once, calmly, so you both know it works.

The silent signal

Some survivors prefer a hand gesture, used in person or on video calls, that means the same thing without words. The international "Signal for Help" gesture, popularised during the COVID-19 pandemic, involves holding your hand up with your thumb tucked into your palm, then closing your fingers over the thumb to make a fist. Many emergency services and domestic violence advocates now recognise it. You can also create your own signal with someone you trust.

For children in the home

Older children may benefit from knowing a code word too, agreed with you in advance. The aim is to give them a way to signal a trusted adult outside the home that they need help, without alerting the abuser.

Documenting abuse safely.

Documentation matters, both for protection orders and criminal proceedings later, and for your own clarity in moments when you are doubting yourself. Done badly, documentation can put you in more danger. Done carefully, it becomes one of the most useful things you can do while still inside.

What to document

• Dates, times, and locations of incidents.
• What was said and what was done. Use direct quotes where you remember them.
• Injuries, with photographs taken in good light, with a date stamp where possible.
• Threats, especially threats to kill, threats against children, threats with weapons, and threats made if you tried to leave.
• Property damage, including holes in walls, broken doors, smashed phones.
• Witnesses who saw or heard any of the above.
• Patterns of monitoring, controlling behaviour, and financial abuse.
• Medical visits, even if you did not say what really happened, with the date and clinic noted.
• Any contact with law enforcement, including incident report numbers, even if no arrest was made.

Where to keep documentation

Photographs of injuries

Take photos as soon as possible after an incident, in natural light, from multiple angles, with a small object of known size next to the injury for scale (a coin, a ruler). Take a wider photo that shows your face alongside the injury so the photo cannot be questioned later. Send them to a safe email account, then delete the originals from your device if the abuser may search it.

Money safety while still inside.

Financial abuse traps survivors more thoroughly than any single physical assault. If you cannot afford to leave, you cannot leave. Quietly building financial options now, even small ones, is an act of resistance that the abuser cannot easily detect.

Steps to take, slowly and safely

• Open an account in your sole name. Some banks offer accounts with no statements posted to a home address, online only, with electronic statements to an email account the abuser does not access. Ask discreetly. Domestic violence services in many countries can refer you to bank accounts designed for survivors.
• Build a small emergency cash reserve. Even small amounts, taken from grocery shopping change or work expenses over months, add up. Keep it physically separate from any money the abuser checks.
• Identify which assets are in your name. Vehicles, property, savings, retirement funds. Do not move them yet, but know what exists.
• Get your credit report. If you live somewhere with credit reporting, request your own report. Survivors of financial abuse often discover debts taken out fraudulently in their name. Knowing what is there matters.
• Identify your earning potential. If you have not worked in years, even thinking through what you could do is a small piece of preparation. Many domestic violence organisations offer free financial literacy and job-readiness support.
• Secure your identification documents. If you can copy and store them outside the home, do so. The original passport, ID, and birth certificate need to be accessible to you, not controlled by the abuser.
• Quietly name a trusted person on your accounts. Beneficiary designations, emergency contacts, even alternative phone numbers on bank accounts give you options the abuser does not know about.

The Go Bag.

A Go Bag is a small bag containing the things you need most in the first 48 hours after leaving. Pack it once, store it somewhere the abuser will not find it, and check it every few months to keep contents current.

Where to store it

Inside the home is rarely safe enough. Better options include the home of a trusted family member or friend, inside your locked desk drawer at work, inside a locked car the abuser does not have keys to, or with a domestic violence advocate. Some shelters will hold a bag for you in advance.

What to pack

• Identification. Original passport, national ID, driver's licence. If you cannot remove originals safely, take certified copies. Take your children's birth certificates and any custody documents.
• Money. Cash in small denominations. A debit or credit card in your sole name. A list of any account numbers you may need to access remotely.
• Phone and charger. Ideally a second phone the abuser does not know about, with a SIM in your name. If only one phone, take it with the charger. Note whether your phone is on a shared family plan, since the bill payer can often see your call and message records.
• Keys. Spare set of house keys, car keys, and any keys to safe deposit boxes or storage.
• Medication. At least one week's supply of any prescription medication. A copy of the prescription if possible. Children's medication. A list of any medical conditions.
• Clothing. Two changes of clothes for yourself. Two changes for each child. Climate-appropriate. Think practical, not pretty.
• Children's essentials. Comfort items, a favourite toy, a familiar blanket. Nappies and formula if relevant. School records if you have them.
• Documents. Marriage certificate, divorce papers, immigration papers, proof of address, bank statements, insurance documents, employment records, lease or property documents, school records, medical records, vaccination records, vehicle registration. Originals if safe to remove. Copies if not.
• Photographs. Of injuries. Of damage. Of yourself with your children. Of the abuser. Backed up to a cloud account the abuser cannot access.
• Your safety plan. A printed copy of this document, or your personalised version of it, with the contacts and addresses you need.
• Pet supplies. If your pet is coming with you, a small bag with food, lead, vaccination records, and any medication.
• Sentimental items. One or two small things that matter to you. Photographs of loved ones. A piece of jewellery from a parent. Something for each child. You are not packing for a trip. You are packing for the person you will need to be on the other side of this.

Documents to copy and where to keep them.

Documents are leverage. The abuser knows this, which is why so many of them control passports, ID books, and important papers. Quietly copying or photographing these documents now is one of the most useful things you can do.

Documents for you

• Passport and any visas.
• National identity document or equivalent.
• Driver's licence.
• Birth certificate.
• Marriage certificate, civil union certificate, or proof of cohabitation.
• Divorce decree or separation agreement, if applicable.
• Tax records for the past three years.
• Pay slips, employment contracts, work permits.
• Bank statements for the past three to six months.
• Insurance policies (health, life, vehicle, home).
• Property documents, lease agreements, mortgage documents.
• Vehicle registration and insurance.
• Medical records, prescription information, vaccination records.
• Existing protection orders, restraining orders, or any court documents.
• Police reports, incident numbers, and any statements you have made.

Documents for your children

• Birth certificates.
• Passports and any visas.
• Custody agreements, parental responsibility documents.
• School records, including most recent reports and contact details for the school.
• Medical records, vaccination records, allergy information, ongoing prescriptions.
• Adoption papers, if applicable.

How to copy them safely

• Photograph each document in good light with your phone. Email the photos to a safe email account, then delete from your phone.
• Or scan at a library, an internet cafe, or a friend's house.
• Store digital copies in a cloud account that the abuser does not know exists, with two-factor authentication enabled and the recovery email also unknown to them.
• Where you can, take originals to a trusted person to hold for you. The abuser cannot use a passport that is not in their reach.

Money you can access.

Money is the difference between leaving once and leaving safely. The amount matters less than knowing what you have and where it is.

Build a financial picture

• List every bank account and credit card in your name, in their name, and joint accounts.
• Note balances, account numbers, and online access details for each.
• List any savings, investments, retirement funds, or property in your name or jointly held.
• List any debts, including those you may not know the full extent of, especially debts in your name without your knowledge.
• Identify any benefits or government grants you are eligible for.

Steps to build accessible cash

• Open a bank account in your sole name with a different bank from any joint account, with statements set to electronic only and sent to a private email.
• Quietly redirect small amounts of money over time. Cash back from grocery shopping. Tax refunds in your name only. Small gifts from family.
• Keep a cash reserve hidden somewhere the abuser does not search. Inside a tampon box, under a baby's nappy stack, sewn into a bag lining, with a friend.
• Speak to a domestic violence advocate. Many countries offer emergency cash grants, hardship funds, or specific programmes for survivors.

Protect your credit

If you live somewhere with formal credit reporting, place a freeze or fraud alert on your credit file before leaving so the abuser cannot open new accounts in your name afterwards. Keep a copy of your credit report in your Go Bag. Many jurisdictions allow domestic violence survivors to apply for an address confidentiality program, where your home address is shielded from public records.

People who can help.

Most survivors leave with the help of at least one person. Identifying that person, or those people, in advance is part of the plan. They do not need to be perfect. They do not need to know the whole story. They need to be willing, available, and capable of holding a confidence.

Who to consider

• Family members the abuser has not turned against you, ideally living some distance away.
• Friends who have noticed something is wrong, or who you trust to act without judgement.
• Colleagues who know enough to take a phone call seriously without needing you to explain.
• Faith leaders who you have a relationship with, where it is safe to disclose.
• Doctors, nurses, midwives, social workers, teachers who you have already met, who are bound by professional duties around safeguarding.
• Domestic violence advocates in your area or available online. Specialist organisations are not bound by judgement, family loyalty, or relationships with the abuser.
• Lawyers who offer free initial consultations or who work with legal aid programmes.

What to ask of them

Be specific. Vague pleas for support tend to lead to vague responses. Direct asks tend to be honoured.

• "Can I leave a bag at your house for me to collect when I need to?"
• "If I send you the purple heart emoji, will you call emergency services and give them my address?"
• "If I leave, can I and my children stay with you for two nights while I sort the next step?"
• "Can you keep these documents in your safe?"
• "Can I list you as my emergency contact at work, the school, and the doctor?"
• "If something happens to me, will you make sure my children are safe?"

Where you will go.

A destination matters more than a date. Knowing where you are going gives the rest of the plan something to point at.

Options to consider

• A trusted person's home. Family or close friend. Best if the abuser does not know the address well, does not have a key, and does not have a relationship with the household.
• A domestic violence shelter or safe house. Address kept confidential. Trained staff. Accommodation, food, and access to legal and emotional support, often free of charge. Most countries have shelters specifically for survivors of domestic violence. Some accept children. Some accept pets. Some are men only or LGBTQ+ specific.
• Hotel or guest house. Booked in cash or under a different name where possible. Useful for the first night or two while a longer-term option is arranged.
• Faith-based housing. Some religious organisations operate shelters or short-term accommodation for women and children fleeing abuse.
• Legal aid emergency housing. In some jurisdictions, courts can grant emergency exclusive occupancy of the family home, removing the abuser. This typically requires a protection order.

What to find out about your destination in advance

• How will you get there, including alternative routes if the first is unsafe?
• Who else lives there or has access to it?
• How long can you stay?
• Are children and pets welcome?
• What does it cost?
• Do they have rules about contact with the abuser, social media use, or location sharing?
• How do you get in if you arrive at 3am?

Timing the leave.

There is no perfect moment, and waiting for one can become a way of staying. There are, however, better and worse moments inside any week or month, and choosing carefully is part of survival.

Better times to leave

• When the abuser is at work, away on a trip, or otherwise out of the home for several hours.
• When a trusted person is available to help on the day.
• Earlier in the day rather than late at night, where possible, since support services and emergency responses are faster during business hours.
• Before a known escalation point, such as anniversary triggers, holidays, or major financial stress.
• When children are at school or with a trusted family member, where possible, although you may need to take them with you immediately.

Higher-risk moments to plan around

• The night of an incident, when adrenaline is high and the abuser is alert. Some survivors leave in this moment safely. Others find the abuser more dangerous than usual. Trust your read.
• Holidays, family events, or birthdays where the abuser may be more controlling or where they expect a public performance of family unity.
• After you have told the abuser you are leaving. The riskiest period of any abusive relationship is the period immediately after the abuser realises the relationship is ending. Many abusers escalate sharply at exactly this moment.

The most dangerous window.

The first few weeks after leaving are statistically the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. International studies consistently show that the risk of severe assault and homicide rises sharply at separation, particularly when the abuser realises the relationship is ending and senses a final loss of control.

This is true regardless of whether the relationship has previously been physically violent. Many homicides in abusive relationships involve a first or unprecedented physical attack at separation. The pattern is so consistent that it shapes every recommendation that follows.

Step by step on the day.

Before you leave the home

• Confirm the abuser is out of the home and will be for as long as you need.
• Send the agreed signal to your trusted person that today is the day.
• Collect your Go Bag, your children's bag, and any final documents or items you need.
• Take photographs of the home interior, valuables, and any visible damage. These can be useful later for property claims and for evidence of the conditions you left.
• Leave nothing that announces you have left in advance. No note. No half-packed cupboard. No empty hangers in obvious places.

As you leave

• Disable location sharing on your phone if you cannot leave the phone behind safely. Turn off Find My iPhone, Google Find My Device, family location apps, and any third-party trackers. Be aware that disabling these on a monitored device may itself trigger an alert to the abuser. If you suspect that, take only essentials and replace the phone after.
• Check your bag and your children's belongings for any AirTags, Tile devices, or other small trackers. Look in pockets, in car seats, between book pages, in soft toys, and in vehicle wheel wells. AirTags and similar devices are often hidden in objects you would not think to check.
• Lock the home if it is safe to do so, though leaving without locking is not a failure. Speed matters more than tidiness.

Travel

• Take a route the abuser does not expect. If you usually drive a certain way, take a different one.
• Watch for being followed. If you are, do not drive to your destination. Drive to a police station, a hospital, or a busy public place.
• If you are using public transport, vary your usual stops and routes.
• Send a message to your trusted person when you are en route and again when you arrive.

On arrival

• Lock doors and windows. Identify the safest room and the nearest exit.
• Update the people who need to know that you have arrived. School, employer, doctor, lawyer, advocate.
• Make a list of what you still need to do in the next 72 hours. Use Part Five.
• Eat. Drink water. Rest if you can. Survivors often run on adrenaline for hours and crash hard afterwards.

Children on the day.

If you have children, leaving safely with them is the most logistically complex part of any safety plan. The principles below are designed to reduce risk and confusion for them.

Before the day

• Decide whether to involve children in advance based on their age, their relationship with the abuser, and the risk of them telling. Younger children often tell. Older children may want to know. There is no single right answer.
• If you do tell them, keep it simple and reassuring. "We are going to stay with Auntie for a while because Mom needs to be safe."
• Pack their bag with comfort items, a familiar blanket, a favourite toy, a snack, a change of clothes.
• Brief the school in advance, where possible, about who is permitted to collect the child. Many schools will work with you confidentially.

On the day

• Collect children from school, after-care, or wherever they are, before the abuser does.
• If the abuser may attempt to collect them first, ask the school or after-care to delay handover and contact you. Where you have a protection order or court documents that limit the abuser's contact, share these with the school in advance.
• Once children are with you, keep them close. Do not detour back to the home unless absolutely necessary.
• Tell them, age-appropriately, what is happening. Children pick up the energy regardless. Words help.

After arrival

• Establish a routine immediately, even a basic one. Meals at usual times. Sleep at usual times. Familiar songs, familiar foods, familiar bedtime rituals.
• Talk to them about what they are allowed to share with whom. If the abuser has access to the children's social media, phones, or contacts, this matters.
• Be honest about the change. Not the violence, unless they already know about it, but the change. They are bright. They will know something is different.
• Watch for signs of distress, bedwetting, regression, anger, withdrawal, sleep disturbance. These are normal responses and they pass with time and stability.

Pets on the day.

For many survivors, pets are family. Abusers often know this and will use pets as leverage. Concern for a pet is one of the most common reasons survivors return to abusive partners.

Plan for pets in advance

• Identify a person, shelter, or service that can accommodate your pet temporarily or permanently. Many domestic violence organisations now partner with animal welfare services for exactly this purpose. Programs like RedRover Relief, Sheltering Animals and Families Together (SAF-T), and similar services exist in many countries.
• Some domestic violence shelters now accept pets directly or have on-site pet facilities. Ask in advance.
• Identify a vet who knows you, who can hold pets safely, or who can vouch for ownership later.
• Update microchip registration to your name and a contact number the abuser cannot intercept.
• Take photographs of the pet, recent vet records, and any registration documents. These prove ownership if the abuser later tries to claim the pet.

On the day

• Take the pet with you if at all possible. The legal status of pets varies by jurisdiction, but possession matters in most.
• If you cannot take the pet immediately, arrange for a trusted person to collect them.
• Take vet records, food, medication, and a familiar toy.
• Keep documentation of ownership accessible.

If the abuser is using the pet as leverage

Abusers may threaten to harm or surrender the pet to force you back. Document every threat. Many jurisdictions now allow pets to be named on protection orders, with provisions for ownership and contact. Speak to a domestic violence advocate familiar with your local law.

What to leave behind.

You cannot take everything. You will not need everything. The aim of leaving day is to get yourself, your children, and your essentials out safely. Anything else can be retrieved later, ideally with police or court support, or replaced over time.

Things you can leave

• Furniture. It can be replaced or retrieved.
• Most clothing. Take only what fits in the bag.
• Decorative items, artwork, kitchen equipment, electronics, books.
• Mail and routine paperwork.
• Pets, only if absolutely necessary, with a clear plan for their retrieval.

Things to take, even if it is hard

• Identification and documents. The bureaucratic cost of replacing everything is substantial.
• Medication and prescriptions.
• Children's school records, medical records, comfort items.
• One or two sentimental items per person.
• Your phone, charger, and any electronic backup of important data.
• Cash and any cards in your sole name.
• Jewellery or valuables you can fit in a small bag.

Returning later

You may need to return to the home for further belongings. Do not return alone. Do not return without notice. Most jurisdictions allow law enforcement to escort survivors to the family home for a single supervised retrieval of essentials. This is sometimes called a civil standby or a peace officer assist. Ask your local domestic violence advocate or police service for the equivalent in your area.

First 72 hours.

The first three days set the tone for everything that follows. These hours are about establishing safety, securing essentials, and getting the people who can help into position. You will be exhausted. Do as much of this as you can, and ask others to do the rest.

Hour one to twelve

• Confirm you are at your destination and the people who need to know are informed.
• Lock down location sharing and notifications on all devices. Turn off any features that might tell the abuser where you are.
• Change passwords on critical accounts: email, online banking, social media, cloud storage. Use a different device if you suspect your phone is compromised.
• If you suspect tech monitoring, do not yet remove apps or factory reset. Specialist help can preserve evidence. Contact a tech-aware domestic violence organisation first.
• Eat. Drink. Rest if possible.

Day one

• Contact a specialist domestic violence advocate. They will help you understand your immediate legal options.
• Begin the process of applying for a protection order if you have not already.
• If injuries are present, see a doctor and ask for them to be documented in your medical record.
• Notify your employer if you have one. Many workplaces have domestic violence leave policies and can support changes to your work pattern, location, or contact details.
• Notify children's schools, after-care, and anyone with caregiving responsibilities.
• Write down everything that happened in the past 48 hours while it is fresh. Date, time, location, words used, threats made, witnesses, injuries.

Day two and three

• Begin establishing a new routine for yourself and any children.
• Make a list of what comes next. Bank account changes. Address updates. Insurance. Phone number. Mail forwarding.
• Set up safe channels of communication. New email if needed. New phone or SIM if your existing phone is compromised.
• Sleep. Cry. Eat properly. Walk if you can. Reach out to one person you trust.
• Be patient with yourself. Adrenaline crash, dissociation, sudden grief, sudden relief, all of it is normal.

First two weeks.

This is the period where the abuser is most likely to attempt contact, escalate threats, or take legal action. Plan as if they will. Be prepared if they do not.

Practical changes

• Change locks on any property in your sole name or that you have legal occupation of.
• Change passwords on every account, with two-factor authentication where available, sent to a phone number the abuser does not know.
• Update bank account details, payroll, and any direct debits.
• Update emergency contacts at work, school, doctor, and insurance.
• Apply for a new phone number or SIM if needed.
• Open a post office box for mail that should not arrive at your physical address.
• Update beneficiary designations on insurance, retirement, and bank accounts.
• If you have a vehicle, change the registered address and have a mechanic or trusted contact check it for trackers.
• Consider a cash-only phase for any transactions that could reveal your location through bank records.

Legal steps

• Apply for a protection order if you have not already done so.
• Obtain legal advice on custody, maintenance, and divorce if applicable. Many countries offer free legal aid for domestic violence survivors.
• Document any contact attempts by the abuser. Save voicemails, screenshot messages, keep a contact log.
• Do not respond to the abuser directly except through legal counsel where required.

Emotional reality

You may feel relief, terror, grief, doubt, rage, and numbness all in the same hour. You may miss the abuser. You may want to go back. You may believe nobody will love you again. None of this means you have made the wrong decision. It means you are a person who cared about someone who hurt you, and the wiring of that does not switch off because the front door closed.

Protection orders.

A protection order, also called a restraining order, no-contact order, intervention order, or peace order depending on the jurisdiction, is a court issued document that prohibits an abuser from specific behaviours. It is one of the most useful legal tools available to survivors.

What a protection order can typically include

• Prohibition on contacting you directly or through third parties, including by phone, message, social media, or in person.
• Prohibition on coming within a specified distance of you, your home, your workplace, your children's school, or other named locations.
• Removal of the abuser from a shared home.
• Provisions for child contact, supervised contact, or no contact with children.
• Surrender of weapons.
• Provisions for handling pets, vehicles, and shared property.
• Orders related to maintenance and financial support, in some jurisdictions.

How to apply

• Most jurisdictions have a specific court that handles protection orders, often a magistrate's court, family court, district court, or specialist domestic violence court. Ask a domestic violence advocate or legal aid service which applies to you.
• You will typically need to complete an affidavit explaining what has happened. Bring documentation, dates, photographs, and any prior incident records.
• Most jurisdictions can grant a temporary or interim protection order on the day of application, with a final order issued after a hearing.
• The order must usually be served on the abuser by law enforcement or a court official.
• Keep multiple copies. One with you. One with a trusted person. One at work. One at children's schools. One with law enforcement.

What protection orders can and cannot do

A protection order does not stop a determined abuser. It does create legal consequences for breach, which gives law enforcement grounds to arrest. It also strengthens your position in custody and divorce proceedings. Treat it as one tool among several, not as a complete solution.

Changing your patterns.

After leaving, predictability is the abuser's friend and your enemy. Where you can, change your routines, your routes, and the places you are most likely to be found.

Movement and routine

• Vary the times and routes you travel to and from work, school runs, shopping, and gym.
• Avoid the supermarket, gym, salon, doctor, or place of worship the abuser knows you use, unless absolutely necessary.
• Change parking patterns, where you sit in restaurants, where you wait for transport.
• Tell people who manage your routines, school staff, gym front desk, dentist, that you are no longer in contact with a specific named person.

Information control

• Audit your social media. Lock everything down. Remove or restrict anything that reveals your location, your routine, your children's schools, your workplace.
• Ask family and friends not to post photos of you, your children, or your location.
• Update your privacy settings on shared apps and services.
• Be aware that mutual friends and family members may be sharing information with the abuser, sometimes without realising.

Address and identity

• If your jurisdiction offers an address confidentiality programme, apply.
• Check public records for any address listings and request removal where possible.
• Use a post office box or a friend's address for mail where the home address could compromise safety.
• Update voter registration, driver's licence, vehicle registration, and bank records to a non-residential address if your local law allows.

Returning for belongings safely.

There is almost always something you have to go back for. Photographs. A piece of furniture you cannot replace. A child's school project. The way you go back matters more than what you go back for.

Principles

• Never return alone.
• Never return without notice. The abuser must know you are coming, ideally through a legal channel, with a specific time window.
• Take a witness, ideally a person with no romantic or family tie to either of you.
• Take a list. Move quickly. Do not engage in conversation about the relationship.
• Take photographs of the state of the home as you arrive and as you leave.
• Have law enforcement or a court official present where possible. Most jurisdictions offer a "civil standby" or equivalent service for exactly this situation.

If the abuser refuses access or has disposed of items

• Document what is missing.
• File a report with law enforcement if items have been deliberately destroyed or removed.
• Speak to a lawyer about legal recourse for shared property.
• Add the destruction to any active protection order or divorce proceedings.

If the abuser is no longer in the home

If the abuser has moved out, or a court has excluded them, the home is yours to access freely. Even so, change locks before sleeping there. Have an alarm or motion-activated lighting fitted. Treat the first night back as the riskiest night.

Post separation abuse. What to expect.

Many survivors believe leaving will end the abuse. The research is clear that, for survivors of coercive control, abuse most often does not end with separation. It changes form. International studies indicate that around 90% of survivors of coercive control experience post separation abuse.

Common forms of post separation abuse

• Legal abuse. Repeated court applications, frivolous motions, false reports of child abuse, prolonged custody battles, contesting every detail of divorce proceedings to financially exhaust and psychologically wear down the survivor.
• Economic abuse. Refusing maintenance, ruining your credit, running up debt in your name, stealing your identity, sabotaging employment, refusing to release property or assets.
• Stalking and surveillance. Following you, hiring others to follow you, using technology to track your location and movements, monitoring your social media through fake accounts.
• Children weaponised. Using contact and custody as ongoing leverage. Refusing to return children after visits. Telling children damaging things about you. Using handover times to harass you.
• Smear campaigns. Spreading lies to family, friends, faith communities, your workplace, your children's school. Painting you as the problem to anyone who will listen.
• Abuse by proxy. Recruiting third parties, including family, mutual friends, or even therapists, to carry messages, gather information, or apply pressure on you.
• Threats and intimidation. Continuing threats by phone, message, or in person. Drive-bys of your home or workplace. Implicit reminders that they know where to find you.

How to protect yourself

• Document everything. Every contact, every breach, every incident, every legal filing. Keep a chronological log.
• Communicate only through legal counsel or formal channels where possible.
• Use specialist co-parenting communication apps (such as OurFamilyWizard, TalkingParents, or AppClose) that record all communication and reduce direct contact.
• Keep records of all financial transactions related to children, the home, or shared property.
• Know that legal abuse is a recognised tactic of coercive control, increasingly named as such by family courts internationally. You are not paranoid for naming the pattern.
• Build a support network that includes people who understand post separation abuse. Generic advice from people who have not lived it can be retraumatising.

Safety with children.

Children in homes with domestic violence are not bystanders. They live inside the same atmosphere of fear, even when the abuse is not directed at them. Their safety planning is part of yours.

Talking to children about safety

• Tell them, in age-appropriate language, that what is happening at home is not their fault.
• Teach them that their job in an emergency is to stay safe, not to protect you. They are not your bodyguard.
• Identify a safe room they can go to during incidents, and a trusted adult they can call.
• Teach them the local emergency number and how to dial it. Make sure they know your full name, the family address, and the abuser's name to give to the operator.
• Practise getting out of the house quickly, framed as a fire drill if needed.
• Agree a code word or signal between you and the older children that means "go to your safe room and call for help".
• Reassure them that wherever they go, you will find them. The fear of being separated from a parent is one of the most acute fears children carry.

Managing custody and contact safely

• Where possible, push for supervised contact, court-ordered contact centres, or no direct handovers between you and the abuser.
• If handovers are unavoidable, choose neutral public locations such as fast food restaurants, shopping centres, or police station car parks.
• Use a third party for handovers, ideally a family member or trusted friend who is not afraid of the abuser.
• Document every handover. Time, location, condition of children at drop-off and pick-up, anything said by the abuser.
• Be aware of the risk that children's devices, school accounts, or social media may be used to gather information about your location, routine, or new circumstances.

If the abuser uses children as a tool

Many abusers continue to use children as leverage long after separation. Common tactics include questioning children for information, undermining your parenting, telling children damaging things about you, or threatening to fight for custody not because they want the children but because they want to keep hurting you. None of this is normal post-separation conflict. It is abuse, and it is increasingly recognised as such by international family courts.

Safety during pregnancy.

Pregnancy is a high-risk period in abusive relationships. Domestic violence often begins or worsens during pregnancy. International data shows that homicide is one of the leading causes of death for pregnant women, and that intimate partners are responsible for the majority of these deaths.

Why pregnancy heightens risk

• Loss of perceived control by the abuser, including over your body, your time, and your attention.
• Real or perceived threats to the abuser's place in your life.
• Financial pressure, employment changes, and life disruption.
• The pregnancy itself becoming a target. Abusive partners may strike the abdomen, withhold prenatal care, sabotage medication, or pressure you toward or away from termination.

Specific safety steps during pregnancy

• Disclose to your healthcare provider, midwife, or doctor. Most healthcare systems have protocols for supporting pregnant survivors and many can refer you directly to specialist services.
• Identify which hospitals have domestic violence trained staff and protocols. If you are admitted for delivery, you may have access to a hospital social worker.
• Plan for delivery in advance, including who will accompany you, how you will travel, and what you need with you.
• Update emergency contacts at the hospital and clinic.
• Document any abuse during pregnancy specifically, since beating during pregnancy is a recognised lethality risk factor in the Campbell Danger Assessment.
• Speak to a domestic violence advocate about whether your jurisdiction allows protection orders that include unborn children.

Reproductive coercion

Reproductive coercion is the deliberate sabotage or control of a partner's reproductive choices. It includes hiding or destroying contraception, refusing condom use, sabotaging the pill, forcing pregnancy, forcing abortion, or threatening violence based on a pregnancy decision. Reproductive coercion is recognised by the World Health Organization as a form of intimate partner violence in its own right and is associated with elevated risk of physical and sexual violence.

Safety with pets.

Animal cruelty is strongly correlated with domestic violence in international research. Up to 89% of women in shelters who had pets reported their abuser had threatened, harmed, or killed a pet.

Protect pets in advance

• Update microchip and registration to your name only, with a contact number the abuser cannot intercept.
• Build a relationship with a vet who knows you, who can provide records, and who can vouch for ownership.
• Identify a pet-friendly shelter, foster programme, or trusted person who can hold pets temporarily or permanently.
• Take photographs of you with the pet to establish ownership.
• Keep vaccination records, registration documents, and microchip details accessible.

If pets cannot leave with you

• Programmes such as RedRover Relief, Sheltering Animals and Families Together (SAF-T), and similar services internationally provide emergency boarding for pets of domestic violence survivors. Local shelters and SPCAs often partner with these programmes.
• Some domestic violence shelters now accept pets directly. Check before assuming you cannot bring them.
• If a pet must temporarily remain with the abuser, document any threats made about the pet. Most jurisdictions now recognise threats to pets as a form of coercion that can be added to protection orders.

Safety at work.

For many survivors, work is the safest place in their day. Abusers know this and may target work environments to exert control. Workplace safety planning is increasingly recognised by employers and HR practitioners internationally.

Tell the right people

• Disclose to a trusted manager, HR contact, or employee assistance programme. Many workplaces now have specific policies and leave provisions for survivors of domestic violence.
• Provide reception and security with a description of the abuser, a recent photo if appropriate, and clear instructions about what to do if they appear.
• Update emergency contacts on your file.

Practical safety steps at work

• Vary your arrival and departure times where possible.
• Park in well-lit areas and ask for a security escort to your vehicle if needed.
• Have your phone in hand and your keys ready when leaving.
• Reduce the visibility of your location through public-facing platforms. Update LinkedIn cautiously.
• Screen calls. Have someone else answer your work line if needed.
• Keep a copy of any protection order on file with security.
• Identify a safe room at work to retreat to if the abuser appears.

Workplace protection orders

Many jurisdictions now allow employers to apply for workplace protection orders that prohibit an abuser from approaching a survivor's place of work. Ask your HR or legal advisor whether this applies to you.

Stalking.

Stalking is a pattern of repeated, unwanted contact, surveillance, or threatening behaviour that causes fear. International research shows that stalking by a current or former partner is a strong predictor of intimate partner homicide. If you are being stalked, treat it as a serious threat, not a nuisance.

Common stalking behaviours

• Repeated phone calls, messages, emails, or DMs from the same number, alternative numbers, or fake accounts.
• Unwanted gifts, letters, or deliveries.
• Showing up at your home, workplace, gym, school run, or social events.
• Driving past your home or your workplace.
• Using third parties, including family, mutual friends, or hired investigators, to gather information about you.
• Monitoring your social media, sometimes through fake accounts or your own children's accounts.
• Tracking your location through devices, apps, or vehicles.
• Damage to property, particularly your car.
• Spreading damaging information about you to people in your life.

Document the stalking

• Keep a chronological log of every incident. Date, time, location, what happened, witnesses, evidence.
• Save messages, voicemails, screenshots, dashcam footage, security camera footage, anything physical.
• Note vehicle registration plates if you can do so safely.
• Tell people in your life, especially neighbours, colleagues, and the people who manage spaces you use, so they can corroborate and respond.

Report the stalking

Stalking is a criminal offence in most jurisdictions. Report each incident to law enforcement, even if individual incidents seem minor. The pattern is the offence. Each incident is evidence. Apply for a protection order or restraining order specifically referencing stalking behaviours. Specialist stalking organisations exist in many countries and can support you through the legal process.

Tech and digital safety.

Technology has changed the landscape of abuse. Smart phones, location apps, smart home devices, AirTags, hidden cameras, stalkerware, and shared cloud accounts can all be weaponised. The good news is that every form of tech abuse has counter-measures, and specialist help is available.

Audit your devices

• Look for unfamiliar apps, particularly those with names like "System Service", "Phone Cleaner", or "Find Family".
• Check for unusual battery drain, the device running hot when idle, unexplained data usage, or the screen activating without input.
• Review which apps have access to location, microphone, camera, and contacts.
• Check the trusted devices list on iCloud, Google, and Microsoft accounts.
• Check for unfamiliar Bluetooth pairings.

Accounts and passwords

• Change every password from a safe device. Email first, then bank, then everything else. Use unique passwords for every account.
• Enable two-factor authentication, with the code sent to a phone number the abuser does not have access to.
• Update your recovery email and recovery phone number. Many abusers retain control through recovery email access.
• Sign out of all sessions on every account. Review login history for unfamiliar devices.
• Remove the abuser as an authorised user on any shared accounts. Apple Family Sharing, Google Family, Microsoft Family, Amazon Households, Spotify Family, all of these can leak information.

Location tracking

• Disable location sharing on iOS Find My, Google Find My Device, and any third-party apps.
• Check for AirTags. iPhones automatically alert you to unknown AirTags travelling with you. Android users can download the official Apple Tracker Detect app or use the built-in Google Tracker Alerts.
• Search physical belongings for trackers, particularly inside cars (wheel wells, under seats, bumpers), inside bags, in soft toys, in clothing.
• Check shared apps such as Life360, Snapchat Snap Map, Find My Friends, and Google Maps Timeline.
• If your vehicle has connected services (such as OnStar, BMW ConnectedDrive, Tesla, or similar), the abuser may be able to track and control aspects of the vehicle remotely. Contact the manufacturer to remove their access.

Smart home and Internet of Things

• Smart speakers, smart locks, smart lights, smart thermostats, video doorbells, security cameras, and connected appliances can all be controlled remotely.
• If you remain in a shared home, audit every connected device. Reset, replace, or disconnect any device the abuser has access to.
• If you are leaving, do not assume any connected device in the new home is safe if it was set up by the abuser previously, or shares an account with the old home.

Image-based abuse

If the abuser threatens or has shared intimate images of you without consent, this is a criminal offence in most jurisdictions and increasingly across the world. Specialist services exist for the removal of non-consensual intimate images, including StopNCII.org, the Cyber Civil Rights Initiative, and platform-specific reporting tools. Document the threats. Save evidence. Report.

LGBTQ+ survivors.

LGBTQ+ survivors of domestic violence face specific barriers, including services that are not always inclusive, the threat of being outed, and dynamics of abuse that mainstream resources sometimes fail to recognise.

Common dynamics

• The threat of being outed to family, employer, faith community, or wider social network as a form of coercion.
• Withholding or sabotaging gender-affirming care, hormone treatment, or related medication.
• Misgendering, deadnaming, or weaponising identity in conflict.
• Using the survivor's identity itself as a tool of isolation, particularly in communities where coming out is dangerous.
• Reluctance to involve law enforcement due to historical or ongoing discrimination.

Finding affirming support

• Look for LGBTQ+ specific domestic violence organisations in your country. Many cities have dedicated services.
• Ask shelters and helplines about their LGBTQ+ inclusivity before disclosing.
• Connect with LGBTQ+ legal aid services for help with protection orders, custody, and immigration matters where relevant.
• Recognise that the same risk factors apply, including strangulation, weapons, and threats to kill, regardless of the gender of the abuser.

Disabled survivors.

Disabled survivors face dramatically elevated rates of domestic violence and additional barriers to accessing safety. Carer relationships, accessibility of services, and the use of disability itself as a tool of control all complicate safety planning.

Common dynamics

• The abuser is often the primary carer, controlling access to medication, mobility aids, hygiene, food, and contact with the outside world.
• Withholding or destroying mobility aids, communication devices, or assistive technology.
• Threatening to report the survivor as incompetent to gain custody of children, control of finances, or formal guardianship.
• Inaccessible shelters, helplines, and legal services that are not designed with disability in mind.

Specific safety steps

• Identify a non-abuser carer or trusted person who can step in for personal care, medication, and daily support.
• Build a relationship with a healthcare provider outside the abuser's reach.
• Disability rights organisations and specialist domestic violence services for disabled survivors exist in many countries. Search for accessible services in your area.
• Plan for mobility aids and assistive technology to come with you. Replacements can take weeks or months to obtain.
• Document any history of the abuser controlling, withholding, or threatening to withdraw care.

Elderly survivors.

Domestic violence in older adults is significantly under-reported. Survivors over 60 may face decades of accumulated dependency, isolation, and complex family dynamics that make leaving feel impossible. It is not.

Common dynamics

• Long-term partners or adult children as abusers, often serving as carers.
• Financial control, including pension fraud, identity theft, and forced wills.
• Withholding medication, food, or care as a punishment or control tactic.
• Social isolation through deliberate denial of contact with peers or family.
• Health-related coercion, including threats of nursing home placement.

Specific safety steps

• Most countries have elder abuse hotlines and specialist services in addition to general domestic violence services.
• Adult Protective Services or the equivalent agency in your country can investigate elder abuse and arrange emergency support.
• Banks and financial institutions increasingly have elder fraud teams that can investigate suspicious account activity.
• Speak to a lawyer about powers of attorney, wills, and any documents the abuser may have pressured you into signing. Many of these can be revoked.
• Identify a healthcare provider, faith leader, or community connection outside the abuser's reach.

Immigrant or undocumented survivors.

Immigration status is one of the most weaponised tools in modern domestic violence. Abusers control survivors through threats of deportation, separation from children, or destruction of papers. Specialist legal protections exist in most countries, but they are not always known.

Common dynamics

• Threats of deportation, particularly when status depends on the abuser as sponsor.
• Confiscation or destruction of passports, visas, and identity documents.
• Threats to take children to a country the survivor cannot follow them to.
• Isolation from local language, community, and services.
• Misinformation about legal status, rights, and access to services.

Specific protections worth knowing

• Many countries offer specific immigration protections for survivors of domestic violence. Examples include the U visa and VAWA self-petition in the United States, the Domestic Violence rule under the UK immigration system, and dedicated provisions for spousal sponsorship breakdowns in Canada, Australia, and parts of Europe. Speak to a specialist immigration lawyer or a domestic violence organisation with immigration expertise.
• You are entitled to safety and emergency services regardless of immigration status. Most law enforcement agencies have policies that prioritise safety over status.
• Document your relationship, your time in the country, your contributions to the household, and any abuse. These records support immigration applications.
• Domestic violence shelters, community-based legal aid, and ethnic-specific organisations often have multilingual support and immigration expertise.

Male survivors.

Men experience domestic violence at significant rates and face specific barriers to disclosure and support, including stigma, fear of disbelief, and a global shortage of services designed for them. Male survivors are not rare. They are under-served.

Common dynamics

• Disbelief from law enforcement, healthcare, family, and community.
• Fear of being seen as the abuser when reporting, particularly during conflict.
• Threats of false accusations, including of abuse against children.
• Abuse within heterosexual relationships, same-sex relationships, or family systems where the abuser is a parent, sibling, or adult child.
• Reluctance to access services that appear to be aimed at women.

Specific support

• Men's specific helplines and services exist in most countries. Search for male-focused domestic violence support in your area.
• Most general services support men, even where their materials are female-coded. Ask directly.
• Document the abuse with the same rigour expected of any survivor. Records, photos, witnesses, medical visits.
• Know that the same lethality factors apply, including strangulation, threats with weapons, and escalation patterns.
• Specialist organisations for male survivors include ManKind Initiative (UK), Mens Advice Line (UK), Stop Violence Against Men (multi-country), and 1in6 (US), among others. Most countries now have at least one.

Rural and remote survivors.

Survivors in rural areas face unique barriers, including geographic isolation, limited services, often longer law enforcement response times, and tighter social networks where confidentiality is harder to maintain.

Common dynamics

• Long distances to the nearest shelter, helpline, court, or police station.
• Reduced internet and mobile coverage limiting access to online support.
• Heavily interconnected communities where the abuser may have relationships with law enforcement, faith leaders, or local officials.
• Firearms ownership rates are often higher in rural areas, raising lethality risk.
• Economic dependency on land or livestock that cannot easily be left.

Specific safety steps

• Identify the nearest reliable transport, including neighbours willing to drive you, the schedule of any rural transport, and the nearest taxi or ride service.
• Build a relationship with services in the nearest town or city, including healthcare, legal aid, and shelters.
• Use rural-specific domestic violence helplines where available. Most national hotlines now route rural callers to specialist support.
• Plan for longer law enforcement response times. Have a backup plan, ideally a neighbour or trusted community member who can be reached more quickly.
• Consider satellite messengers or rural-coverage devices if cell coverage is poor.
• Where firearms are present in the home, consider whether they can be temporarily removed by a trusted person, locked separately, or stored offsite.

Trauma responses are not weakness.

After leaving, your nervous system will not immediately know it is safe. It has spent months or years on high alert, scanning for the next threat. That wiring does not switch off because the abuser is no longer in the next room. What follows is not weakness. It is a body adjusting to the absence of danger after a long period of being shaped by it.

Common trauma responses

• Hypervigilance. Being unable to relax. Startling at small sounds. Constantly scanning rooms.
• Flashbacks and intrusive memories. Sudden vivid recollections that arrive unbidden, often triggered by something seemingly unrelated, a smell, a tone of voice, a song.
• Dissociation. Feeling detached from your body, the room, the present moment. Sometimes losing time. This is a protective mechanism, not a malfunction.
• Sleep disturbance. Difficulty falling asleep, waking repeatedly, nightmares, sleeping too much.
• Emotional numbness. Feeling flat, distant, unable to access ordinary feelings.
• Sudden grief. Crying without warning, sometimes weeks or months after leaving.
• Anger. Often arriving late and feeling out of proportion. Often directed at yourself, family members, or services that failed you.
• Doubt. Questioning whether the abuse was as bad as you remember. Wondering if you overreacted. Missing the abuser. All of this is normal.
• Difficulty making decisions. After years of having decisions made for you, ordinary choices can feel paralysing.

None of these responses indicate that you are broken. They indicate that something happened to you that should not have. They generally improve with time, safety, and the right support. They do not always disappear, and they do not need to. Many survivors learn to live alongside their responses rather than waiting for them to stop.

Grounding techniques that actually work.

When the body floods, the goal is not to argue with it. The goal is to bring it back to the present. Grounding techniques are short, practical interventions that signal to the nervous system that you are here, you are safe, and you are not in the past.

The 5 4 3 2 1 technique

When you feel overwhelmed, name:

• Five things you can see.
• Four things you can touch or feel.
• Three things you can hear.
• Two things you can smell.
• One thing you can taste.

Slow down. Take your time with each one. The technique works because it pulls attention back to the immediate physical present.

Box breathing

Breathe in for four counts. Hold for four. Breathe out for four. Hold for four. Repeat for two minutes. This regulates the vagus nerve and brings the heart rate down. Used by emergency responders and military personnel for the same reason.

Cold water

Splash cold water on your face. Hold ice cubes in your hands briefly. Run cold water over your wrists. The temperature shock activates the dive reflex and rapidly slows the heart rate.

Movement

Walk. Run. Stretch. Dance. The body holds trauma physically. Movement metabolises stress hormones and reduces the loop of activation. Even five minutes helps.

Naming

Out loud or in your head, narrate the present moment. "I am sitting on the couch. The clock says 3pm. The cup is blue. The cushion is soft. I am safe in this room." This is anchoring through language, particularly useful during dissociation.

Boundaries with mutual contacts.

After leaving, the people in your shared life become a complicated landscape. Some will support you. Some will side with the abuser. Some will try to mediate, sometimes with good intentions, often making things harder. You do not owe everyone access to your story or your time.

Likely categories of people in your life

• Solid supports. Family or friends who believe you, do not pressure you, and ask what you need.
• Wobbly supports. People who mean well but ask invasive questions, push reconciliation, or share information back to the abuser.
• The abuser's allies. People who actively side with the abuser, defend them, repeat their narratives, or attempt to recruit you into reconciliation.
• The unsure. People who simply do not know what to do and have stepped back. Many of these become solid supports if you give them clear information.

Boundary scripts that work

• "I am not discussing the relationship right now. If that is what you need to talk about, this is not the right conversation."
• "Please do not pass messages between us. If you keep doing this, I will need to limit our contact."
• "I appreciate that you care about both of us. I need to be clear that I am not coming back, and I am not looking for help to fix things."
• "I am not a safe person to ask about this. Please ask them directly."
• "What I need right now is for you to listen and to keep this private."

Cutting contact when needed

You are allowed to remove people from your life. People who will not believe you, who continue to feed information back to the abuser, who pressure you to reconcile, or who actively harm you, do not get a permanent place in your future. This is not punishment. It is curation. Your healing requires safety, and safety requires choosing who has access.

Social media safety after leaving.

Social media is one of the primary post-separation surveillance tools. Even an audited, private account leaks information through tagged photos, location data, posting times, and shared friends. Treat your online presence as part of your safety plan.

Initial audit

• Set every platform to private.
• Remove the abuser, their family, their close friends, and any mutual contact you do not actively trust.
• Review your follower lists for fake accounts created to monitor you. Block proactively.
• Remove or restrict tagged photos, location history, and check-ins.
• Disable suggested friends, people you may know, and similar discovery features.
• Lock down your professional profiles, including LinkedIn. Photos of new offices, new colleagues, and new locations are tracking data.
• Audit photos already posted. Visible street signs, school logos, recognisable interiors, all of these can identify your location.

Going forward

• Post on a delay. If you must post photos of a holiday or location, do so after you have left.
• Avoid checking in or sharing real-time location.
• Tell trusted family and friends not to post photos of you, your children, or your location.
• Be cautious about online dating, both for safety and because abusers may create fake profiles to make contact or gather information.
• Children's accounts, including school portals and gaming platforms, can be used to track you. Audit those too.

Therapy and support.

Recovery from domestic violence is not something most people complete alone. Specialist therapy, peer support, and survivor communities make a measurable difference to long-term wellbeing.

What to look for in a therapist

• Trauma-informed practice, ideally with specific training in domestic violence or intimate partner abuse.
• Evidence-based approaches, including EMDR, trauma-focused CBT, internal family systems, somatic experiencing, or narrative therapy.
• An understanding of coercive control as distinct from "high-conflict relationships". A therapist who frames your experience as mutual conflict is not the right therapist.
• An understanding of post-separation abuse, particularly if you are co-parenting with the abuser.
• Clear boundaries about confidentiality, particularly if children are involved.

Other forms of support

• Domestic violence support groups, in person or online. Hearing other survivors describe your experience in their own words is one of the most powerful interventions available.
• Peer support through specialist organisations such as Rise Against Domestic Violence SA.
• Body-based practice, including yoga, walking, swimming, weight training, anything that helps you reclaim physical agency.
• Creative practice, including writing, art, music, gardening. Many survivors find that the part of them silenced by the relationship returns through creative expression.
• Faith and spiritual community, where it is safe and supportive. Where it is not, this is also valid information about your community.
• Animal companionship. Pets often play a meaningful role in recovery for survivors who can keep or adopt them.

Lethality red flags.

Tick anything that applies. The more you tick, the more urgent your safety planning becomes. This is a screening tool, not a diagnostic. If multiple boxes are ticked, contact a specialist domestic violence advocate as soon as it is safe to do so.

• Physical violence has increased in severity or frequency in the past year.
• The abuser owns a firearm or has access to one.
• The abuser has used or threatened a weapon against you.
• The abuser has tried to choke or strangle you, even once.
• The abuser has threatened to kill you, or you believe they could.
• The abuser is violently and constantly jealous.
• The abuser controls most or all of your daily activities.
• You have left or tried to leave in the past year.
• The abuser has beaten you while pregnant.
• The abuser has forced you into sex against your will.
• The abuser uses illegal stimulant drugs.
• The abuser is a problem drinker.
• The abuser has threatened to harm your children.
• The abuser has threatened or attempted suicide.
• The abuser stalks, follows, or surveils you.
• You have a child who is not the abuser's biological child.
• The abuser has avoided being arrested for domestic violence.
• The abuser is unemployed.
• Your instinct tells you they are capable of killing you.

Source: Adapted from the Campbell Danger Assessment, Dr Jacquelyn Campbell, dangerassessment.org. The full assessment includes severity scoring and is administered by trained advocates internationally.

Go Bag checklist.

Photograph this page. Print it. Pack systematically. Store the bag somewhere the abuser will not find it.

Identification and documents

• Passport, national ID, driver's licence (originals or certified copies)
• Birth certificates for you and children
• Marriage certificate, divorce decree, custody agreements
• Bank statements (last 3 to 6 months)
• Tax records (last 3 years)
• Insurance policies (health, life, vehicle, home)
• Property documents, lease, mortgage
• Vehicle registration and insurance
• Medical records, vaccination records, prescriptions
• Existing protection orders, police reports, incident numbers
• Children's school records and contact details

Money and access

• Cash in small denominations
• Debit or credit card in your sole name
• Spare keys (home, car, safe deposit)
• List of essential account numbers and passwords (stored securely)

Devices and communication

• Phone and charger
• Spare phone or SIM card if available
• List of trusted contacts with full numbers
• USB drive with backup of important documents and photos

Personal essentials

• Two changes of clothes for yourself
• Two changes of clothes for each child
• One week's medication, prescriptions
• Glasses, contacts, hearing aids, mobility aids
• Toiletries, sanitary items

Children

• Comfort items, favourite toy, blanket
• Children's medication and any allergy information
• Nappies, formula, baby essentials
• School items, identification

Pets

• Vaccination and registration documents
• Food and bowl
• Lead, harness, carrier
• Medication
• Familiar toy or blanket

Other

• One or two sentimental items per person
• Photographs of injuries, damage, the abuser
• This safety plan

International helplines and resources.

If you are in immediate danger, contact your local emergency services number. The resources below are global and country-specific helplines and specialist organisations. Many operate 24 hours a day, are free of charge, and offer multilingual support.

Global directories

Tech and digital safety specialists

Country-specific helplines (selection)

Helpline numbers and operating organisations change. Always verify current contact details with a current online search if circumstances allow.

Where Rise fits in.

Rise Against Domestic Violence SA is an online, volunteer-led, trauma-informed organisation that supports survivors of domestic violence in South Africa and overseas. We provide free legal guidance, counselling, and survivor peer support, all online, all confidential.

How to reach Rise

Rise is a non-profit company (NPC 2020/930270/08), registered NPO 259-457, and PBO 930073173. We are unfunded by choice, volunteer-led, and accountable to the survivors we serve.

Sources and frameworks.

This safety plan draws on the following evidence base. For further reading, follow each source to its primary publication.

Lethality and risk assessment

• Campbell, J.C., Webster, D.W., and Glass, N. (2009). The Danger Assessment: Validation of a Lethality Risk Assessment Instrument for Intimate Partner Femicide. Journal of Interpersonal Violence. dangerassessment.org.
• Glass, N., Laughon, K., Campbell, J., et al. (2008). Non-fatal Strangulation is an Important Risk Factor for Homicide of Women. Journal of Emergency Medicine.
• Alliance for HOPE International. Training Institute on Strangulation Prevention.
• Maryland Network Against Domestic Violence. Lethality Assessment Program (LAP).

Coercive control

• Stark, E. (2007). Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life. Oxford University Press.
• Stark, E., and Hester, M. (2019). Coercive Control: Update and Review. Violence Against Women.
• Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs (Duluth Model). Power and Control Wheel and Post-Separation Power and Control Wheel.

Post-separation abuse

• Spearman, K.J., Hardesty, J.L., and Campbell, J. (2023). Post-separation abuse: A concept analysis. Journal of Advanced Nursing.
• Krella, K.A., et al. (2025). Enhancing Safety for Separating Families Affected by Domestic and Family Violence: A Scoping Review of Modifiable Factors. Trauma, Violence, and Abuse.

Technology-facilitated abuse

• Coalition Against Stalkerware. stopstalkerware.org.
• National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) Safety Net Project. techsafety.org.
• Clinic to End Tech Abuse (CETA). ceta.tech.
• Brown, A., Harkin, D., and Tanczer, L.M. (2025). Safeguarding the Internet of Things for Victim-Survivors of Domestic and Family Violence. Violence Against Women.
• MIT Technology Review (2025). Why it's so hard to stop tech-facilitated abuse.

International frameworks and guidance

• World Health Organization. Violence Against Women: Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Against Women.
• UN Women. Global Database on Violence Against Women.
• Refuge UK. refuge.org.uk.
• Women's Aid UK. womensaid.org.uk.
• NNEDV (US). nnedv.org.
• 1800RESPECT (Australia). 1800respect.org.au.

About Rise Against Domestic Violence SA.

Rise Against Domestic Violence SA is a survivor-led, volunteer-run, trauma-informed non-profit company providing online support to survivors of domestic violence in South Africa and overseas. We are unfunded by choice and accountable to the survivors we serve.

Rise was founded in 2020 by Zenda-Lee Williams, an accredited divorce and family mediator, trauma-informed survivor, and published author on complex post-traumatic stress disorder from a survivor's perspective. The organisation operates entirely online, with a qualified volunteer team of attorneys, advocates, registered counsellors, social workers, and peer support volunteers.

We provide free legal guidance, counselling, and peer support inside structured WhatsApp groups, supplemented by a twice-monthly Online Law Clinic in partnership with the SLSJ/UCT student legal services. Every survivor begins with a confidential intake. From there, we connect survivors with the support that matches their situation.

Registration

NPC 2020/930270/08 • NPO 259-457 • PBO 930073173

Contact

Website: riseagainstdomesticviolence.co.za
WhatsApp: +27 81 589 4308

The Rise Safety Plan, 2026 Universal Edition.
© 2020 to 2026 Rise Against Domestic Violence SA. All rights reserved.
This document may be freely shared with survivors and frontline organisations.