It’s named after a famous motion picture in which a man who wants something from a woman, pretends to be her friend, marries her, but, in fact, is her enemy. And in the process of being very kind to his victim, but in truth, in every moment he is undermining her sanity. The longer the marriage goes on , the more at stake in it in terms of children, stability, it’s central fabric.
Everything is called to question: the victims self esteem, the ability to trust themselves as far as whether they are even a good parent, a good person, or whether they can be. They begin to say “if I couldn’t judge this thing, which was part of my life every day for years, if I misread so many things, accepted so many lies, how can I believe I know anything at all?”
What is not understood is that the more the lying goes on, the more brainwashing, as someone is told over and over something is not true, that it is in fact, true, the more pressure the victim is under. It comes down to a better marriage or a better divorce.
And to achieve that, the first thing that needs to happen is the infidel has to be willing to both admit and express remorse, to say, “I have deeply hurt you and I am sorry!” Those are the necessary conditions for change.
In their absence, you just add to the pressure cooker. Most of the time the infidel doesn’t admit to anything.
The divorce takes place.
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Silent Rights SA, a partner to RADV-SA who stand against Domestic Violence & GBV.