​Signs of abuse - the hidden and unvarnished truth – as they like to call it.
On the outset the couple looks like a healthy, happy couple. The victim’s images on social media and Facebook appears to be happy and the victim is smiling. What could possibly be wrong when the victim appears to be so happy online?
When trouble hits the waters in this relationship it would appear that both partners may be equally at fault but the victim seems to be acting strange, and appears to be a little “crazy”
At this point the abuser keeps things together until there is a breaking point, to the public eye the abuser is kind, sweet and friendly to their partner as well as to their mutual friends, so how could this person possibly be abusive?
The abuser at this stage begins complaining and sharing intimate information and false narratives about their partner to their family and friends, preparing them just in time for what is inevitably going to happen. The abuser is waiting for the victim to break down and react to the constant blows of abuse whether it was mentally, emotionally, or psychologically - all while portraying themselves as the victim to a situation that they must put up with. They go on to share that this is taking a toll on them, that they are in fact being abused and the victim is out of hand and delusional.
They may even record the victim reacting to their abuse and use this as evidence against the victim to paint the victim as “crazy” and themselves as the “victim”
At home, behind closed doors the abuser has a completely different agenda. The abuser is yelling, undermining, controlling, abusive, emotionally vacant, constantly taunting and attacking the victim. The abuser is loving the outbursts from the victim, the more the victim reacts to their abuse the more the abuser has against the victim. This cycle continues for weeks, months, years…
Breaking the victim has been the abuser’s goal from day one. It is a game; it makes the abuser feel powerful and in control. It also allows the abuser to feed off all the attention they are receiving from being the “victim”.
But what is taking place within the victim? The victim is left confused, vulnerable, alone, the victim will need to face and accept the false narrative actioned against them which most people will believe because the abuser is showing these people just how “crazy” the victim is by taunting and pushing the victim in various methods to entice a reaction. The victim’s nervous system will be unstable, with no where to turn all kinds of things could take place at this point.
When the police are called, the abuser makes sure that they are calm and cooperate when they are in the home investigating what has taken place. You need to understand that when the police arrive the chances are the victim called the police because they have no way out to stop this horrendous assassination against them. When the police arrive, the victim’s nervous system and emotions are not calm and not rational. The victim will be visibly upset and there will be an outburst of information coming from the victim all while the abuser sits back relaxed and calm, explaining to the police that they are crazy as they can visibly see, leaving law enforcement questioning the mental stability of the victim.
The police will leave.
The chances of the victim going to the police station and opening a case against the abuser is slim. Why? Because most of the time the abuser is not actually physically abusing the victim, but rather shouting, denying their reality, cheating, manipulating, constantly actioning micro blows at the victim.
You must remember that abusers don’t abuse 100% of the time, they abuse 80% of the time. Within that 80% they are physically assaulting the victim a small percentage of the time, leaving the victim in a roller coaster ride of confusion and emotion. The other 20%, is just enough “I love you” and “I am sorry” offered to the victim which is why the victim stays in this relationship. This constant tug of war between love and abuse leaves the victim trauma bonded and the 20% of love offered, is just enough to convince them to stay. Another reason is because the victim loves the abuser and does not want them to get into trouble. They will do anything to protect their abusive partner no matter how the victim is treated by them.
The victim may at this stage want to reach out to their friends and family, but what the victim does not yet know, is that the abusive partner has already reached their inner circle. It was strategically plotted and planned this way. Whenever the victim reacted to the abuse in the past the abuser has raised concerns regarding the victim’s behaviour, and this will all be done under the veil of “I love them and I am very concerned” The abuser would have told their family and friends to not mention anything as it would cause even more issues between them so the family doesn’t intervene.
So, when the victim approaches their family for help, the family is confused and is left with the impression that they are unstable and in fact “crazy” or “making things up”
In the end, the victim is dealing with a cluster of enablers, leaving the victim isolated, un-helped, unbelieved, scared and alone.
Are you noticing the pattern? Are you realising the dangers of this situation? What would you do if you were in a situation like this?
We need to start understanding that domestic violence is not just physical abuse. Domestic Violence includes mental, emotional, and psychological abuse which is far more damaging than a healing wound. The after affects last for years.
Zen Williams
If you are in need of help, please reach us.
info@riseagainstdomesticviolence.co.za

Do you have a safety plan?

What is a safety plan?
A safety plan helps you to identify action steps that you must take in order to increase your safety and that of your family against domestic violence.

Take a look at the safety plan from the Department of Justice.
​www.justice.gov.za/vg/dv-SafetyPlan-17Feb2014.pdf