ABUSERS UNDER COVER
Here is another informative piece on Narcissism from a psychotherapist Benjamin Zulu K E.
This is key to understanding what narcissistic abuse is and how serious it is for the victims.
Let's turn our minds back to that ugly subject: Narcissistic Abuse.
1. Because majority of people have never experienced narcissistic abuse they just can't wrap their minds around such a degree of evil existing in society. This only alienates the victims further. Next time someone tells you the stuff they're going through don't ask them to prove it. Just help where you can.
2. One quick sign of narcissistic abuse is fatigue. You see the narcissist is difficult, needy and controlling. If you have a friend or colleague who looks continually exhausted, get close and ask, and promise them that you will believe them. Victims take long to open up because they know their stories are unbelievable. Yes, narcissistic behaviour is insane, so the victim's stories will sound insane.
3. Narcissists usually have two complete but opposite personalities- one for public and one for family.
In public the narc is charming and generous, or quiet and reserved, while in private they're a monster of insensitivity and selfishness. Sometimes victims must record the things the narc says to them because otherwise the world can never believe it.
Narcissits behave well in public because they need public acclaim to feed their vanity.
4. The average endurance period for victims is 10 years in my experience. Those who stay in the marriage past 10 years begin to experience collapse of their health: stroke, rheumatoid arthritis, meningitis, heart attack, diabetes, blood pressure, schizophrenia, dysthymia or prolonged depression,
collapsing into a comma and eventually dying of a clot in the brain.
For ALL the examples I've listed I have dealt with at least one case, and only one was 50 years. Majority were 39 and below. The worst part? Society never attributed the death to narcissistic abuse. The victims, 9 out of 10 being women, suffered and died in silence. And the narc still put a show at the funeral, because narcs are consummate actors.
5. If you are the victim understand this: the narcissist basically depends on keeping you off balance by doing and saying the things that get on your nerves. If you observe you will see that they actually enjoy the tension they cause. So your first recourse is to STOP giving them the reaction they expect. Don't fight, don't cry, don't lose it - manage your emotions and ignore their behaviour. This will infuriate them because they see you're taking back your power.
You have stayed too long in the abuse because you believed that they would change, and that you had a marriage to fight for. In reality they're only changing for the worse and you don't have a marriage to preserve but a death trap to escape.
6. Narcs have no respect or boundaries with your parents. They will call up your parent to report you, say they're done with you, or even to insult them. They also bribe your family to bring them to their side.
7. Most narcissistic relationships involved two types of women and one type of a man:
(i) The girl who marries before she's 25. The narc targets the young and naive. College students BEWARE!
(ii) The woman who had a narcissistic mother or father. She was conditioned to accommodate abuse. This type must heal before dating.
(iii) The man who is both very good hearted and very stupid. He thinks the woman is a troubled soul and only him understands her and thus he must be there for her.
If your partner doesn't beat you up physically, or if they have disabled you financially so that you have to depend on them completely while they appear to be 'providing everything' to outsiders, you will never be understood by the world. So be ready to fight this alone.
Church and family always asks about 3 things: 'are you being beaten up? No. Is there infidelity? No, or you have no hard proof. Are you being provided for? Yes. So your marriage is good, just a misunderstanding that can be cleared with better communication,' they say.
Because narcissistic abuse is so severe yet so easy to cover up, the battle therefore will be more individual but be sure you can win it.